Religion is a funny one and sex has been known to ruffle a few feathers. Put the two together and you have a perfect storm of weird and wonderful doctrine
1. Paganism: mutual masturbation to boost crop growth… obviously.
Those tenacious Pagans were rocking a seriously sharp work ethic. Ancient pagan work forces in the Middle East conducted communal masturbation sessions to increase productivity and to kick-start the working day. The aim of the game was for everyone to reach climax at the same time, a logistical minefield, but if they managed this feat the resulting industrial-strength orgasm worked as one big huzzah and a doff of the cap to the great juju up the mountain. This would set the stage for a really first-rate day, and encourage the crops along nicely. Well isn’t that neat.
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2. Catholicism
Ok everyone, I don’t know what you’ve heard but sex is for baby making only, got it? Even if you’re matrimonially eligible, it’s not supposed to be carried out for pleasure. Pope John Paul II urged husbands “not to commit adultery with their wives by desiring sex for its mere pleasure and the satisfaction of instinct” (Modras 124 of 1980). It’s just a pity God put all those pesky nerve endings down there, a bit of an oversight considering his take on the whole affair. The superfluous shedding of sperm will lead to a bracing spot of eternal hell-fire, that is if you don’t fancy enduring the excruciating post-coital confessional. The ‘take home’ message here is that you are more than welcome to get down and dirty in the hallowed spirit of reproduction, but you’d better not enjoy it.
3. Mormonism
The Mormons are peddling a similar policy on bishop polishing. ‘Alone time’ is a big no-no, and the Mormon community has laid out a comprehensive guide to help us to resist the urge. It advises us to cut all ties with others suffering from the affliction. Social interaction with such a deviant will inevitably deteriorate into a pagan business meeting. Under no circumstances are you to admire yourself in the mirror while bathing. You are far too sexy for your own good and exposure to your own naked form is bound to have you reaching for the lotion. You should also avoid being alone in general and if temptation strikes, make a tasty snack to distract yourself. The Mormons’ best piece of advise is “when in bed, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes”. If you ever find yourself alone in a darkened room, bereft of a sandwich and sporting only your baggiest y-fronts, it’s game over.
4. Jewish Orthodoxy: Red means stop
Men are not allowed to contact and must be separated from women when she is a ‘niddah’, i.e. when she’s got the painters in. Serial cock-blocker Aunty Flo strikes again.
5. Ancient Greece: Pederasty
This was a socially sanctioned erotic relationship between an adult male and a younger male, or an ‘eromenos’, usually in his teens. It was big in the Archaic and Classical periods, and the practice was backed by the religion of the day. Pederastic liaisons have been ascribed to Zeus, Poseidon, Apollo, Orpheus, Hercules, Dionysus, Hermes and Pan. The whole gang was at it. In fact all the Olympian gods had a crack except Ares, who had a more modern outlook about the whole thing and sensed a sea change on the issue. And he wasn’t wrong.
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6. Islam: Rent-a-bride service
All credit must go to Islam for sheer creativity on this one. Somewhere along the line, some bright spark came up with the Nikah mut‘ah or ‘pleasure marriage’. This is the temporary marriage enabling what would otherwise just be plain old depraved pre-marital sex. All you have to do is sign on the dotted line, pay the ‘dowry’, agree on a time frame, and get your freak on.
7. Islam: You can’t have your lamb and eat it too
Sexual relations with animals are not forbidden in Islam, but most Middle Eastern countries recognise the following Islamic law: “After having sexual relations with a lamb it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh”. Solid advice.
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8. Islam again:
Repeat offender Islam here, back for some more weirdness. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. That goes for undertakers too. Sex organs must be covered by a brick or a plank of wood at all times. (We’re going to need a bigger brick over ‘ere, matron!).
But seriously…
What with all the lamb fuckery and brick laying, you might be forgiven for thinking Islam had hippy-ed up its sexual policy since you last checked it out. No such luck. Islamic doctrine recoils from the femme-fatale, and her sexual power over men. The Prophet had this to say: “When the woman comes towards you, it is Satan who is approaching you.” This was a real thinker, but the best solution anyone could come up with was to remove the female form altogether, the onus falling upon the woman to disguise her lady lumps. The Hijab hides the contours of the body, and is designed to discourage sexual temptation or attraction. Many feel that anonymity within the public arena is a form of liberation and a way of achieving morality and piety. Others are not feeling this so much.
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Featured image: Impulse. Inset images: British Lion Films, Janet Wilson, Flickr, Alexander Bradley via Flickr
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